My Journal

10/15/20

My boyfriend has been playing Rescue Team DX, too, and he just finished the main story. I cried through the ending yet again, even though I had just played through it recently myself. There's something about Pokémon Mystery Dungeon stories that I have a deep connection with. Perhaps it's because being a Pokémon living in a world full of Pokémon and going on a fantastic adventure with an amazing friend was the ultimate fantasy for me as a child. (To be honest... that hasn't changed much.) The ending breaks my heart because it crushes that dream: the hero has to leave that world and their best friend behind to return to their mediocre human existence. On top of that, I really hate goodbyes... I could write an essay on my feelings about PMD, but there are other things on my mind. Anyway. My darling is having fun playing it, and I'm having fun wallowing in the escapism of it all.

When I began this journal, I told myself I wouldn't fill it with negativity. Right now, though... I need to vent. Everything sucks right now. My mother is struggling. It's scary. I'm terrified. But I have to be strong for her. I have to put on a brave face and encourage her and tell her it will all be okay. I don't know that. Everything could go horribly wrong. It's all out of my control. I'm on the verge of a breakdown, too, but I feel like I can't show it, for her sake. I don't want her to feel guilty for causing me stress. My boyfriend is struggling, too, and I'm doing the same thing for him. Reassuring him without showing any sign of doubt. They both know me so well, I'm sure they're already aware that I am extremely worried. Still, I feel like visibly breaking down would discourage them.

I need to start saving up money, and since I can only work 3 days a week, I would love to start making money with my art. I want to do commissions. Unfortunately, I can never seem to draw on a consistent schedule. If I opened up commissions, I'd be terrified of not being able to finish them in a timely manner. My addled brain gets art blocked at the drop of a hat.

I forgot what else I was going to talk about. I feel a bit better after screaming into the void. Thanks, Internet.

10/1/20

Lately I've started going on walks again. I used to walk every day, but I fell out of the habit. It's nice to spend time outside, especially in the lovely weather we've been having. My dog appreciates the extra exercise, too. Speaking of my boy, I gave him a bath yesterday. The little fellow dug a hole in the backyard and got dirt all over himself. He is a scruffy boy, but his fur becomes really soft after a bath.

I've progressed quite far in Rescue Team DX. Silver Trench was a challenge, but thankfully I was well equipped, and defeated Lugia without an issue. Mewtwo was a tough boss fight, but I beat him, too. Meteor Cave was a different story. Not only was the dungeon a nightmare to traverse - every single enemy in the dungeon is Deoxys, a legendary Pokémon, with Pressure draining all my moves' PP - but the boss fight was nearly impossible. Deoxys was formidable, and having to deal with all its other forms simultaneously was strenuous. Not to mention that Deoxys kept using Recover, restoring 500+ HP each time. Somehow, I managed to defeat Deoxys on the first try. After exiting the dungeon, I checked my inventory and saw that I only had one Reviver Seed left. That was a close call! Afterward, I tried to clear Wish Cave. I did not prepare well, nor did I choose my teammates carefully enough. I reached the 23rd floor and noped out of there with an Escape Orb. Dugtrio OHKO-ing me several times in a row was a clear indicator that I was in over my head. Next time, I should prioritize coming up with a strategy for leveling up in the dungeon, and carefully choosing what Pokémon I should have on my team.

My boyfriend beat the second Palace in Persona 5. I love it so far, and I already know I'm going to be sad when it ends. There's just something uplifting about a story that focuses on a group of outcasts fighting for justice, and rebelling against corruption and abuse. It's a far-fetched fantasy, but it gives my pessimistic heart a little bit of hope.

A lot of change is happening in my life, and it's very stressful, because I don't know if it will be good or bad. I've been using my favorite coping mechanism: immersing myself in fictional worlds. My boyfriend has been absolutely amazing, and I have no idea what I would do without him. The simple things we do together, like cuddling and playing video games, are extremely comforting. I'm immensely grateful for him.

That's all I have to say for now.

9/16/20

I still have a lot on my mind. I can't seem to focus on much of anything. One new thing I have on my mind, though, is that the more I read about ADD, the more I feel like I should see my therapist. I read about symptoms and how people experience them and realize "Hold up, I'm not just a lazy person? This is what ADD is like? Oh..." Hyperfixations, inability to focus alternating with hyperfocusing, executive dysfunction, rejection sensitive dysphoria... I experience these on a daily basis. I relate to other things that aren't necessarily on the official symptoms list, but people with ADD often discuss. For example, I struggle immensely with maladaptive daydreaming. I waste countless hours my life in my own head. I have a hard time falling asleep because my brain won't shut up. I've been living with all this, feeling as if it was normal for everything to suck.

I would like to see my therapist about this. I haven't had a session with her since the beginning of this year. I know I should probably see a psychiatrist as well. I'm a bit wary about psychiatric medication because it hasn't worked for me in the past. I tried so many different antidepressants of different classes and not a single one helped. Ironically, I began feeling far better when I stopped taking medication. However, I don't actually know anything about ADD medication. I'd like to research it more before I find a psychiatrist.

Hmm, on another note... I've been watching my boyfriend play Persona 5, and I'm enjoying it so far. I know nothing about Persona, so everything is fresh and new to me. There's a few things that bother me (notably the way Ann is sexualized even though a major part of her character arc at the moment is Ann standing up for herself and saying "don't treat me like some sexual object" like why is her Phantom Thief outfit so sexualized??? Oh, I know why. But it's stupid and hypocritical). But, I can still enjoy it while being critical of certain things. Hooray for media. Also, another random thing I'd like to mention, Beneath the Mask is a wonderful song that I can listen to for hours on end.

Update for my playthrough of PMD: I defeated Ho-Oh, and then recruited Entei, Raikou, and Suicune! I tried searching for Mew at Buried Relic, but that process is immensely frustrating. I ended up giving up and clearing Buried Relic instead! In all my days of playing PMD games, I have never cleared a 99 floor dungeon, so I was really proud of myself for making it to the end! Rare Qualities (additional special abilities a Pokémon can have) made it much easier. Food Finder makes Tiny Apples spawn all over the place, and Small Stomach makes those Tiny Apples go a looooong way, so hunger was a non-issue. My next objective is to grind so I have lots of high-level Pokémon ready to take on Mewtwo and Lugia.

I haven't been actually doing much. I keep trying to draw, but I'm never satisfied with the outcome. Alas. I do have a few photos I could upload. But, I'm thinking about giving this site a major overhaul. *everyone screams in dismay* Yes, it may happen again, me changing the layout instead of making content. The more I look at the current layout, the more I hate it. I do appreciate it when others enjoy it, but in the end, this site is for me. I hope that doesn't come off in a rude tone, I promise it's not meant to!

That's all I have to ramble about for now.

9/5/20

I've had an incredibly draining week. Today was the first good day I've had all week, in fact. I'm grateful for that. Right before work, I stopped by the local arboretum and walked around a bit. It's summer, so all the plants are at their peak plantiness. I felt calm, and the fresh air helped my headache. Also, I ate a really good bagel sandwich.

There is some stress going on in my life. I don't need to go into detail about it. It's nothing I can control, and I'm not in any danger, so the best I can do is cope with the stress. Due to the stress, I keep having strange dreams and nightmares. I wake up exhausted, as if my brain was so busy dreaming that it didn't rest at all.

Recently, I bought Rescue Team DX. I love Pokémon Mystery Dungeon, and was thrilled when the remake was announced, but I had qualms about the $60 price tag. I finally caved, and the amount of enjoyment this game has given me justified it. It's so nice to go dungeon crawling after a long day. I'm somewhat into the postgame at this point. I'm still a bit intimidated by the longer dungeons, but I want to 100% the game, so I have to brave them eventually. Right now I'm working on leveling up and my next objective is to defeat Ho-Oh.

Oh, by the way, I'm nonbinary. My pronouns are they/them, she/her, or he/him. I'm okay with gendered language (dude, lady, man, woman, person, whatever) as long as it's respectful (I'm the only one who can call me The Combination Bitch & Bastard). This isn't a recent realization. I've known I was nonbinary since I was 14. I just have a strange relationship with it, especially since I feel like I exist on some weird in-between. I don't really relate to being cisgender or transgender. I'm just... neutral. I gave up on trying to understand it and tried to reconnect with femininity for a while, since I misunderstood it and rejected it for so long. But, I lost myself doing that, too... So now that I'm over feeling ashamed about being nonbinary, I am back to feeling a bit more like myself.

(If you have any questions about nonbinary people, please visit your favorite search engine. I am a person, not an encyclopedia on every nuance of gender-related facts of psychology, sociology, biology, and history. I understand you may have good intentions, but having to explain things to most people I meet is beyond exhausting. That's one of the reasons why I just said "screw it, I'm suppressing my real self".)

8/5/20

The hurricane did not kill me! Hooray! It passed by quickly; by yesterday morning, it was gone. But was I absolutely terrified while it was happening? Definitely. I have had an irrational fear of storms since I was a kid, so I'm always like that. During the worst part of the storm, my dad was kind enough to let me use his laptop to watch cartoons on DVD. After that, I was able to fall asleep. The hurricane did not kill me, but the lack of air conditioning almost did. Where I live, it's the hottest time of year! X_X Thankfully, our power has been restored, so I did not get fried by the unrelenting heat. I'm certainly glad that mess is over!

Hmm, other than that... Lately I've resumed playing Pokémon Shield again. I was too harshly critical of it at first; the worst thing about it was the story, in my opinion. But I mean, it's a Pokémon game, it's fun! :P I caught a Lucario and my boyfriend gifted me a Sliggoo! ^_^ Right now, I am trying to complete the Pokédex. I have actually never accomplished that in any Pokémon game I've ever played. That is because I never had any friends to trade with. (That's an exaggeration, but I was rarely able to play Pokémon with other people growing up!) The worst crime Game Freak has ever committed is that Gengar, my favorite Pokémon, evolves via trading. I'm glad that it's now possible to just catch a wild one!

One thing that made me happy today was that Mom rearranged everything on the kitchen counter. It looks so nice, so beautiful, so organized. Everything has a place now. In case you needed to know how boring of a person I am, those are the kinds of things that give me great joy. Organization. XD

8/3/20

I'm feeling a little better today, at least until the hurricane arrives, hahaha. I will be perfectly safe. I am not in a flood zone, and my house suffered no more damage than lost shingles during Hurricane Florence. There is no need to worry about me; if I freak out, it's due to my anxiety and fear of storms. x_x I may or may not take another break for a few days. I'm sure if I say one thing, I will actually end up doing the other, so we'll just wait and see!

On another note, I love Neocities, and the community of people I've met here. The amount of creativity and passion you all have just blows me away. I think it's amazing. Also, I'm extremely grateful for the amount of support and kindness I've received - I try my best to give it back, even though I don't always have enough energy to socialize a lot. ;w;

Today, I began working on a new layout for the styleswitcher. Want a sneak peek? The colors and side image are placeholders for now. I do want to use pink, because it contrasts the blue styles already in place. I would feel a bit silly if I added another cool color. Currently, I'm unsure about the right menu. I want to display links to my mutuals' sites prominently, but I have so many that the menu is becoming absurdly long. I plan to experiment and see what I can do for it.

I'll end this entry with something simple that made me happy: balloons have returned to Animal Crossing! When I played City Folk as a kid, I loved running around with the balloons. I'm glad they've been added into New Horizons!

7/26/20

Somehow, work managed to be even slower. A general day at my job revolves around a routine that involves waiting; waiting for the dogs to eat, waiting for the dogs while they have outside time, waiting for the next time they need to go outside... You get the picture. Normally, on weekdays, we would be doing stuff like checking dogs in/out and daycare, but on Sundays we are only open to clients for a few hours in the evening. So, I spent the day doing random chores around the facility, cleaning up anything I could think of. When I got off work I had a headache, so I laid down and then I accidentally slept for 4 hours.

Dad picked up a discarded computer tower, left behind by some neighbors who moved out and dumped all their trash on the side of the road. It still works, but it runs Windows Vista (eww). The people who used it left all their files on it, most of them from the early 2010s. I was surprised to see a few saved fanarts of Cilan, Chili, and Cress from Pokémon Black and White. Troublingly, there were also tax return documents left on it. I'm glad the computer was not picked up by someone who would use that information for evil. We plan on wiping the hard drive, and not committing crimes. If you discard your computer, please make sure to delete all of your sensitive information!

Hmm... other than that, I'm thinking about opening art commissions sometime in the next few months. The hardest part is figuring out prices. I've thought about commission prices before, and the numbers I came up with would be severely undercharging. I have a lot more self-confidence than I did back then, so I recognize that my art does have worth. I'm just no good with numbers.

7/25/20

Today at work was even slower than yesterday. I was taking an excited puppy back to his mom, and he jumped up, bonked me, and busted my lip. Normally, I would've yelped a plethora of curse words from the sudden pain, but I had to maintain my composure because I was dealing with a client. It was hilarious. Whenever something like that happens to me, I can't help but laugh about it.

There was also a little green caterpillar in the play yard, so I took him outside the facility and placed him onto a tree. There isn't much else worth noting; just a usual slow Saturday.

7/24/20

Yesterday was even more uneventful than usual, so I've combined these two entries. Let's see, as for yesterday's events, Mom harvested a tomato and two cucumbers from our little garden. I believe those are the first cucumbers we've harvested this year so that's nice. I honestly didn't do much else; just a bit of drawing, and a lot of spacing out and listening to music.

Today at work was all right, but it was slow. My daycare shift started in the afternoon, so all the dogs had already tuckered themselves out and were napping. Also, we finally got a new dishwasher (our old one broke); it's so glorious, I could cry. Gone are the days of washing a mountain of dog bowls.

Lately, the universe has been shoving cats I can't have in my face, and it isn't fair. First, my coworkers bombarded our group chat by sharing posts about cats that need homes, even though literally none of us are able to take in any more animals. Then, my boyfriend tells me that his stepmom's cat had kittens, and asks me if I want one. We have 3 cats and a dog already, and my parents are not keen on adopting more right now. I love the pets I do have, and I am by no means ungrateful that I have them, but I wish I could help every cat. It breaks my heart to see all the homeless kitties. I love every single cat on this planet. I am crying.

Well, that took a turn. Now you all know that I am a crazy cat lady. I promise I had a good day.

7/22/20

Today, I had a wonderful and lazy day with my boyfriend. He played Breath of the Wild for hours, and I was happy to watch and snuggle. He finally finished the Champion's Ballad DLC quest. The last trial was awesome, and of course, the ending cutscene made me cry :') I am a huge sensitive crybaby.

Last week, we finished watching Avatar: The Last Airbender. I'd never seen it before, so he wanted to show me and watch it together. I cried a lot at the ending, partly because it was over and I wanted to spend more time with it. Yesterday, we began watching The Legend of Korra. Four episodes in, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. There's nothing wrong with the show itself, but perhaps my timing is bad. I think I started watching it too soon after finishing the first series; I haven't yet fully processed the adventure of Aang and his friends coming to a close. I watch shows very slowly because it allows me to process them better and subsequently enjoy them more. The change in the world and the characters feels jarring. Being suddenly thrust into the future in TLoK makes me feel like Rip van Winkle. But I'm sure it'll grow on me with time.

That's basically all we did today. I'm so grateful for all of the easy, lazy, sleepy days I spend with my boyfriend. I'll spare you the description of my feelings of love, to ensure that no one barfs at how much of a sap I am.

Finally, to top it all off, I was blessed with a special visitor at my front door. Goodnight, toad.